Frrrreak out!

Ooookie dokie…ze rock of Gibraltar that I am…is being pounded by waves and slowly shrinking under their guise. Human terms- I’m kinda fallin’ apart here. I’m already freaking out bout my leaving to…u know. What brings me down the most is…surprisingly- reading blogs! the blogs of people who have been there, have lived it all and are..basically teaching me or at least providing some indispensable, otherwise unobtainable info! But the more I read, the more annoyed, scared, bitter I get. My gosh, these people really got their shit together and made it in a very different place. Crossed frontiers of language (less important), culture (also small importance) aaand…social ones!- Ha! essential!! This is one thing I’m really melting down for. I don’t know anybody! I don’t have any chat buddies or possibly friends of friends connections- nothin’!

I’m so desperate, I’ve started going on chat sites, seeking out people and although it explicitly says the site is for making friends who want to practice languages together I’m still not lucking out!

fishy fishes

I woke up this mornin’ quite late…well, who cares?! and…as I was taking in the curtain filtered sun rays, I was thinkin’ to meself…when was St. Nicholas supposed to be…did I use to find the goodies on the mornin’ of the 6th or did he come between the 6th and the 7th? hmm…course I realised it was on the mornin’ of the 6th. oh! this mornin’…well…another thing that’s to go by into cavernous memory land and rot there till dust obstrudes it permanently. plus I’m fairy old now to be expectin’ St. Nick, eh? so I got up. Not a step into the hallway, I saw my boots (their usual place, had been there all week) and to my quite considerable surprise, there were goodies! I couldn’t believe my dad thought of that. this has always been my mom’s job…I mean I don’t think less of my dad cuz he’s very kind but…I know he don’t really think about such things…huh! in my face!! cuz he did. and wow, my dad knew how to buy sweets! it ain’t much but…it kinda shook…I need to tryyyy and be nicer to him cuz this was…a pretty big thing right now, considering…so that’s what they mean by nice surprises…that’s what it feels like..must have forgotten lately. yeah, that was…interestin’…

stuff to fill gaps

hmm…haven’t had internet for ’bout a week…I was a pretty brave lil’ soldier for the first 3-4 days and I can genuinely, hand on left ”girl” declare that I didn’t care at all. However, 1,2 days ago I started gnawing my fingers a lil’, worrying whether I’d gotten any emails I should have seen or news from anybody or anythin’ (which of course I didn’t) which never happens anyway…as nothing exciting ever does in this stale amazonian jumble.

my dad was kinda flippin’, partly cuz we couldn’t talk to my bro’ and partly cuz he had nothing to do all day long, in between I mean…so…now he’s happily back to his press and signing anti- Basescu petitions ), yeah…I’ve just discovered he’s pretty active in this field.

But…I did encourage myself to remember making a note of another episode of bizzare coincidences, that is…that moment when two things click, match, add-up perfectly and u’re left pretty wow-ed. And I had two in one night! nothing spectaculat but…I like it, it gives me a fake teeny weeny feeling of comfort, like somehow…I worked a spell.

so…first coincidence: I was reading the intro to John Keats collection of poems (and me, I don’t normally read intro’s to books) and…the writer of the intro who was also the director of the film bla bla..was saying smth about Keats’ theory of negative capability giving the following quote of his, about “the endorsement of mystery, developing your capacity to accept mystery without” ::: “irritable searching after fact and reason”. Ok…I passed that on fairly placidly. A while later,

mix ‘n match

Other reality, other aperture,

comfortable in sleazy graphics and plastic verbalisations.

And that yellow cake, sponging the cream into my senses.

And her. Your woman.

You kept eating, while other men were consuming her.

Those heavenly heavy body extensions,

and the chocolate cracklings biting into sour bumps,

they construe me.

That filling the snoozing pool, I’m out of another reality.

:(((( bien sur

I am deaf. and…dumb (dumbed up by this whole existence. and tired.)

got this “bug” in my ear, the right problematic one, right now I can’t even hear the typing sound from my fingers. It hurts like heck/LL!!!, yep pretty much non-stop, I can’t quite sleep on it/with it. and it goes a lil down towards the ganglions. And I had a fever yesterday so now I’m on antibiotics. and hoorah-horray, a smaller “bug” appeared in my left ear too ( and my only remaning good ear is also clogged right now so I can sincerely say that my grandma used to have super sharp hearing compared to me…I can hardly hear the thunder outside-d’uh of course I can’t, since I can’t hear what people are saying, couple of cm away from me . And it hurts so much when I chew ((((( stupid ears, always giving me problems (( well…this time it’s totally my fault, I keep scratching..but it itches!! that is also a consequence of my organism but I need to take control over myself. cuz it huuuurts (( I wanna complain, even as I’m writing now I’m getting these sharp pains, gosh it sucks so bad! and yesterday I was like a veggie, all mellow and my muscles hurt, my head was spiltting and I was dizzy- cuz of the infection. and I don’t like taking antibiotics, g’damn it!

whatever, I’ve said my woes…since there’s nothing else.

sigh…man, I sigh way too much!

I’ve always wanted to be a sorta…un peu…weirdo. a funny type-weirdo. really? did I really want that? hmm, im not sure how very consciously I have actually wanted that..maybe I’m just thinking about being humorous, cutish-funny somehow, heck not a freakin’ weirdoooo! but that’s what I got apparently. Im a freak! officially. i’ve gone mental, I’ve lost it, no doubt about it.

went to the bank to do some bankish stuff…and had to go the agent to fill in some forms and be informed. and the agent is this young man..guy, 2 years older that I know from  around highschool and from goin’ out with en e  and well…normally I should act perfectly relaxed right? well, what the heck was wrong with me? well, I didn’t quite realise at first that it was so obvious…I was being my usual, a lil nervous self cuz I don’t like these “official” situations with accounts, explanations, details and so on…after a lil while, he asked me if im nervous cuz im so fidgety, or am i usually like that? and i realised immediately that I was being v fidgety, kept rubbing my hands, moving my feet around, tossing my head, my look, a lil tremor in the shoulders, anyways…clearly not relaxed! I told him I dont really go out much, haven’t for a lil while and probably that’s why I was like that…he was nice, trying to make conversation, asking me casual stuff. but I was also puffing and sighing and uh-ing like I usually do…now, people who are close to me have gotten used to that I think but I do realise that from the outside it might seem like im uh…a real cuck-oo cuz I keep making sounds…and he asked me about it, jeez! i must have seemed such a weirdo. which is ok but…i am a lil worried about myself…i think i may scare people a little. and I scare myself cuz these lil things are out of my control now, i am well aware of it. i am sooo slipping away…im a lil…a lot..quite frightened that I’ll end up this person with shocky moves and lots of lil sounds and nervous laughs…not at all confident and detached, relaxed…which I would so like to be!

trigs

A thought occured to me a lil’ while ago, namely that…my brain cells are most likely in a flourishing moulding process. So…what dish does  the brain best feed on? – a yummy, satious, juicy math platter, right? Hmm…but I always sucked big time at maths! and I do mean big time…nor did I ever actually like it! I prolly always would have preferred washing toilets than doin maths homework, yep…and again, I keep remembering my practice math teacher..I’m a lil obsessed, I dunno why. after all, the man showed a wee bit of kidness to me, but c’mon! i’m overdoin it! oh well…it’s beyond my control. So…on thinking about maths, I kinda form the idea that perhaps I didn’t totally, completely and utterly hate trigonometry…cuz..most of the time, there were fixed formulas, which I had to learn by heart (which I’m a lil better at) and…just apply them, sorta…for the easier exercises. and…maybe…for some it might actually be fun trying all those formulas, seeing what goes where, mixin’ and matchin’…hmm..although some exercises are complete biotches..oh well…I was thinking that maybe I could have a look in the ole math notebook and get the formulas, do some…math! ) well, that’s a pretty ole thought already, haven’t tried anything of the sort yet. But! so funny-to make u think that there are  inexplicable clashes of energy and that things are just not so random as we despair…well, I got a book from my English practice teacher (who incidentally was a very good friend of my math teacher). It’s an Isabel Allende, dear her and…I started reading it yesterday or smth and…last night, as i was reading/pondering and flipping pages, I found a quite tiny piece of paper with a few trigonometry formulas written on it! Goosh, it was a wonderful feeling, somehow…I even thought for a second that mabe she lent the book to my math teach and he slipped that in there, but that woulda been waaay too cool plus I kinda remember his writing and it wasn’t quite like that. No matter, I still take it as a small, sweet sign. maybe from my teacher! (sigh).

steadfast, not lone

I treated myself  a second time with a “bright star”; however, this time round I stopped before the ending might nag at the idea of “hope” again. it’s beautiful.

I am getting old…I never thought I’d be the kind to worry about smth like that, but here I stand, quite tormented by the notion of piling up years on years on years…on years…horrid! I don’t care so much about physical characteristics, although..I do dislike the lines on my forehead and around my eyes (which I’ve had for ever and always) but…and flasky, I know I’m getting flasky. no wonder, I do nothing all day long. yes, yes, nothing- it’s not only a nuance. It probably becomes more painful when I process the fact that time is unwrapping itself around my edges, growing in thickness, but so very uniformely…I contribute with no embellishments to it. my “space” is completely dull. it shouldn’t pass, it should stop for me somehow because I’m not doing it justice. But the world does not work that way. And yet, I feel cheated. later, if I can muster more thoughts..

10.01.2010

hmmm…baked my own cake, I don’t quite enjoy the notion (that’s prolly why it didn’t come out as well as last time- my meringue layers kinda crumbled…hmmm, alas), but…one good thing about one’s own baking, I get to control the licking of spatulas and such.

if there ever was a time for wishes to come true, this is it! wish-whoosh!!

family.

gotta put this down somewhere for posterity because as I know meself, it will slip out of my mind perhaps just a tad slower than today’s political news. So, I was watching a show about Maria Tanase-by the way, splendid woman (which does not mean that I actually know anything about her)- when my mom surprises me with a memory. Apparently, her uncle, my grandfather’s brother (a part of the family that was and is very musical with members playing instruments, sporting sensibility and such jobs as orchestra conductor or plain ole members of the national orchestra…alas yet again my resemblance to the other side of the family-even a poor job of that since I didn’t get their brains for physics and chemistry, therefore…I’m floating in the nothing. could I at least fantasize at my language-gifted great uncle? nah…I’d never have his honor)…oops, I’ve lost my idea. Oh yeah! my mom’s uncle, monsieur Petre C., a conductor of the orchestra and I think teacher at the Conservatory (his nephew, my cousin, is totally studying that) was the one teaching Maria Tanase in the ole days the ways of etiquette. well, that’s neat to know about one’s family. Trivia: apparently she had quite a flare about her, quite an intuitive brightness and could easily catch on and adjust.