on about

Crème-brulée and lime cream sponge cake [Fullstop] She was filled with a swarm of butterflies of excitement all week and day for the moment when she’d give her mum the present(me, me, I mean me). And it was kinda cookie, because of the weird reaction of me kinda crying. I’m pretty sure it’s PMS or smth, cuz I just don’t really do that kind of things…oh well, I had watery eyes when I gave it to her, vivid emotional distress and all in all I can’t quite make a clear statement about any of it. Don’t matter, it passed and all I’m left to say is yippee!-concert! Next, lemme refer to a lil thing that might require a crum of attention, not to me, cuz I’m rather thinking of it as a big, choco, lime cream, cherry, meringue cake. Why do I incessantly-eh…not exactly, merely 4 times- watch Darjeeling limited? – beats me, really but It’s all so wacky and then, sorta simple sometimes but I guess it’s most of all ‘cause it seems honest, genuine, not sure what to call it but it does entice me to just let go. Gives a good feeling about a lot of things, as corky as that sounds. It might be just an impression of mine and the real thing might only be that I like the airy, ventured comics of it, the characters and their guidelines, the spicy-scented setting (heck, yeah, I can actually smell it), Angelica Houston’s voice, actually all their voices, Rita’s outfits and vision shades, the Kinks, Brendan’s ankles and the savoury snacks. And if I really want to get debonair, it’s the whole tale man, I just enjoy watching them go thru each and every minute of it. “because we don’t trust each other”: at times I’m just sadly amazed by the wavering roots of our…brains I guess. I mean it is most often about feelings but I figure it’s our reason that just triggers all of it. Ridiculous lil judgements, egos, some great needs that normally, if we just let go, wouldn’t actually tickle our needs too much. I just had one of those ego surges last night. I instantly realise how completely useless it is!! But I can’t quite subdue the fury at a finger snap, I guess, this morning…I’m more in control of it, though that lil vein up there can start pulsing any minute. In moments like that, I have that dumb sensation of isolation so that I can have the certainty that all of it is my creation, yeah, like a mad scientist…just that I’m talking about really small things. I’d probably go completely blank were I left on an empty incentive tank. I’d forget to speak. And I tipped my finger in skinoren, funny how that coincided with a certain smth. Exploitation! But I’m not very much affected. I had predicted all of this to myself, heck, d’uh! I know me! Sometimes though, I can’t quite measure where my indignation might take me, so that’s when I go off charts and might be sapped into smth a tad surprising. But as long as I’m off it, it’s pretty safe.   “we haven’t located us yet”- yeah, we sure haven’t. I know  haven’t located myself yet, at least not in reference to my future practical ventures. There I go again. I don’t caaaare, really! Got a weird serenity surrounding that point. Maybe I am just taking things as they’re served. Would be bizarre cuz that’s not my style or my astrological interpretation. The intrinsic coordinates, I suppose are pretty well defined as have always been. I bet everyone’s got that, they just like to pretend they’re oh so cool and off course, but really now. Those are probably the only things one can never relinquish. Once born in that web of specific points and dots, you’re on the map. One might forget, that indeed, but they do not simply vanish. Transform? Maybe…but I believe the core is pure and undisputable.

Some bits are quite estranged though. So, after watching some round, coloured balls on flat “grass”, we skidded off to the smoking place. Mitza took us there. ‘Twas all quite chilly, only my head and temples felt warm. Desert streets, at least in that triangle of the world, slobbered remains around us. Sipping Redd’s, sweet, caramel-ed but I couldn’t finish mine. Had your traditional ghost stories and jokes. A tree. And Arabian tunes, softly issued though, ‘cause Mitza’s pretty antediluvian. no matter, I enjoyed the company. Good night/good morning!

reminder! next time I gotta put pics of the bouquets my mum got.

gimme! a cluE

 I had a lot of thoughts and moods today. All the contradictions u can possibly think of, I don’t feel like throwing words right now. The worst thing that gets me worked up is how often my mom’s been sighing the past few days over my old self. My old cool self. When I was so vibrant, and courageous and everyone loved me; truth be told, that’s what others remember 2. How everyone liked me when I was a kid, how they didn’t play with their own children, so they could suffocate me (grandma’s story) and so on…anyway, the coolest, smartest, prettiest. I too am quite stricken really cuz I do have different visions. It’s true, I remember how I used to feel and it was definitely smth else, I mean towards people, chances, future, passions, me…everything! My mom holds this nostalgia with the way I used to walk, head up, smiley and energetic. And that I looked so tall, next to my bro, coming home from school. Then, all of a sudden, we suspect, 6^th, 7^th grade, I fell. Got hunchback, faded, dull, anti-social, shy and timorous. I walked looking down, was more upset that glowy and so on…no more balls, no more all the friends and successes. Anne’s mom told her it’s weird…cuz in the first grade, I stepped up, on stage, to get my prize, threw a lil poem, and swooped back, all secure and expedient, while Anne was the more fearing, less-adapted one. She then wondered 2 how things had changed, and that the roles completely inversed. Pfffff…it’s tough…hearing this, imagining it, cuz I too remember the different sensations of those times and my whole perspective and thus, modes of action. Yeah, im not that same person anymore. We’re trying to figure out why. My mom has the greatest of regrets. But I feel helpless. I can’t go back just like that. I’ve been this yucky person for way too long I guess, plus there’s no going back. Just that…it kinda stings…to see how she yearns for what I was, like…now, I just totally bite! I mean, I suppose I do. I just wonder how else I could act. I don’t feel that strange, Im used to myself. Then, there was this photo of me and Moni, was the summer before the 6th grade. Hair cut short, hand in the air, open mouth-yeah, u could read a crazy kid there but…I still yell and wave hands. And my mom went like “oh, This is the old her”.sigh… Man, that just was sooooo weird to hear!! Like…I cant find my words, I cant explain…like now I’m just horrible, horrid! Totally yuck! A lump, completely altered and devoid of any fun and charm. Yeah, I guess so…I tried to explain that I’m just not up for putting any effort in changing, cuz I don’t think it’s fair for some people to just have everything work out naturally and me, having to put up a fight to return to smth I used to be, just because it worked out and people liked me better. I told her I’m pretty resigned, that if that’s where life’s taking me, I’ll just embrace it and learn to live with it. I guess that’s where I go wrong, that’s where the difference is most clear-this way of reasoning. It may sound like I’m upset with my mum or smth. No way! I feel nothing actually towards that end. poor thing’s just trying to help her progeniture turn to something bearable I guess. She gives me good advice, to try to discipline myself and put more trust in my humane features, to think in a healthier manner. I just feel way passed that. despite everything, I dont think she perceives my fatigue and serenity. she just sees laziness and stubborness. Maybe because I’m too preoccupied to figure out when…I will be able to just think of a stupid, smth-subject and not all these whimpering-s and useless, mental stuff. Boy…it ain’t easy to just wake up every morning and live with yourself. I’m growing more and more tired. Don’t tell mom! (although I guess she already knows). I have some other theories-guesses on this but…nevermind.