funny how I like another “lost” song

They’re telling it better than me for now, being too mopey to even begin.

Just because I’m hurting
Doesn’t mean I’m hurt
Doesn’t mean I didn’t get what I deserve
No better and no worse

again and again and again…gimme a break, whoever’s pulling my strings!

I keep thinking of “Golden Boy”(Natalie Merchant), with each breath basically. Occasionally I get the pang of guilt for not concentrating all my grief into an infinitely more important manner, but I suppose it’s human nature, and me most of all-a weak, cruel, shallow excuse for a human. I was ever so stupid! Managed to control my inept urges a few times but then I cracked, and everything tumbled around me. And as they say, I now lay exposed and stinging with every fibre, in the midst of a grey, foggy, misshapen mass. Goooood! Why do I have to be so so so so very dumb!??? Oh well…I’ve cracked the crazily manufactured egg and there’s no way of gluing it back together.

And I felt happy, despite all the short-term state slips. I really felt warm and cozy. And there were times when I could help myself just fine, trying to take it all as it came. I should never listen to my impulses or so called “reason”. I should always do the contrary. It seems I’ve been woven upside-down. I’ve disappointed badly, never mind myself…for now I’m not ok with it, although I keep repeating phrases in my head. And I don’t want to be ok with it, I just wish I could relieve that impulsive moment of mine and rewrite it. I’m consoling myself that if it’s not ok now, it’s gonna be in the long-run. I got a pretty long race ahead of me, I can tell. Or in the immortal words that I keep hoping will bring me wisdom: this too shall pass. (although I badly don’t want it to…there’s no way…).

the it from some days back, dramatic as usual (blimey!)

I stand and watch the play of my own misfortune, life as it unveils to its meanest fibres. I am but a spectator and I rest unaffected. Having no say in the dispersal of directions, I rest detached from what I look upon but I jump at each surprise, as I am perpetually unaware of the course of things.

I feel such a great burden on my shoulders right now. I feel like…I’m 20, and these 20 years are stacked up in a sort of package, thus it’s something finite. Then…I feel a certain amount of anxiety towards what is to happen beyond this package. I feel the desperation of the hope that it might be completely different, in those essential points that I care so much about right now. Yet I am at a complete loss of…anything actually. A slight terror creeps up on me that no, it is not going to be any different. In parallel, I also feel that I’m not very certain there will be anything at all beyond the package. Stuck in a sort of ditch between what I have known so far and what lies ahead, if at all existent. As a matter of fact it’s a terrible fright! I exist in between 2 possibilities: one accomplished, the other un-devised.