must not name

A gruesome double deluxe tongue tosser to u out there!!!

white lies, no better tag for it

“yes, this fear’s got a hold on me”…

d’u catch my drift, per se…?

It’s so weird. I feel like I just don’t belong anywhere anymore…in any of my circles. It’s really ‘bout the 1^st time i’m having such feelings. It’s all quite unsettling. Bits upon bits of everything I knew are sorta swirling all around me and although i’m still grabbing at each of them when their time comes, I find it harder and harder to touch them, to cup them in my hands and call them my own. Sometimes I reach, I hold on for a very short while and they fly from my fingers. And I’m on this round, suspended, crummy platform, glued sole to chequered concrete. The swirls keep distancing themselves and becoming vague and blurry. Soon, I won’t even be able to tell what it is I’m reaching for. And perhaps, not too long from now, I’ll forget everything I had.

I keep shrugging my shoulders and educating myself that it’s in the nature of things, and maybe not quite tragic after all but when I do despair, it’s quite fibre-ripping. And I really don’t want to hang around and take this shit from life or the uber-natural power controlling everything. I’ll never be that type…to find the beauty of everything ugly, the smallest ray of light of everything obscure. I do try…but everything I come up with seems so shallow, so easy to overcome by sheer poutiness.

And I know all mine seems nothing compared to what is others’. Except some…which are as stern as anything else. Perhaps the rest would seem trifles. But what else comprises my existence? How infinitely retarded can I be? It’s too late for that now. I love movies and books with insane people! I’ve always imagined they must feel so peaceful at heart. I may be very wrong. I’ve ever so often pictured myself reaching that level and it scared me not at all. I’m actually afraid I won’t be granted this privilege. Oh, I dunno what I’m saying. Just that I can’t seem to work this damn puzzle…the bits are soaring, heaved under the couch, under the rug. When i turn to look for them, to retrieve them one by one, I look upon my dishevelled puzzle board once again. The pieces moved again…chaotically. I’ll never get to the bottom of it!!! Happy are the people who can relinquish the negations in their lives. I too am able, but only when I’m not at stake.

What happens when u feel u don’t have a place in the world any longer?

let’s say…I’d rather choke on a dry fig

all in vain…if I hang on, I fear I’ll start shedding slowly but surely. till I get to be a mere shadow…till I manufacture no more smiles. till I hide in the woods and live to 100. till I know nothing any more…’cept what kind of animal poop that is. “I am the mountain, I am the sea” but it’s all just scribbles…I am nothing more than smth very small and unimportant. cuz no matter how much I plea-and yes I do not plead too much out of curtesy, but it’s all there, scattered in the mists-it just doesn’t grow..it’s stuck in the dystopic mode and it feels cozy. damn this and everything else. to the greater scale, it shouldn’t even matter, that’s how small it is. so why keep it a sore thumb?

“it’s just no use, it’s just no good, u’ll never be ok” -natalie merchant    (what??)