where you going?

                                     I gotta get off this train.

 

(oh, and HAPPY BDAY, Marat Safin!!! You’re still the coolest, even though you just can’t seem to focus, man! damn it!)

back supporter

“When the shit hits the fan, get a tent.” W.S.

Not the same…oh, I forgot what I wanted to say…oh well, it’ll come back to me.

stand another

Maybe that part of life can go off to seconds, thirds or whatever…’s only thus that I realise how much weight it had. To no avail, and especially to no . My brain’s feeling congested, it’s squirming up there, banging itself against the skull, cuz it can’t really cope with such ideas. Te all-worldly seems ever more distorted and I can’t tell whether it’s wrong or right. I suppose every reasonable human being would tell me it’s not alright. And I know it’s not. And unacceptable, completely! Undesired most of all.

I don’t ……….. It got to the point where I thought I might, quite soon, quite possible, but that stopped. It’s past that, now. And it’s not exactly this, but…the whole system of issues in general that confounds me. I feel displaced, but that makes me mad, cuz I thought at least on that point, I had it clear-that I can trace my own outlines. I think I just need a little rest, whatever that means, cuz I can’t lose it like that. It’s too late for such craziness.

late correction: er…having a more chilled view for the mom’, prolly won’t last long. Woke up content with having had my semi-nightmarish water/wave dream, which kinda re-links me to a more familiar smth in the air. I’ve managed to harden the shell once(twice, thrice)I can do it again. Rock on! No, really, I have a good feeling about things. It’s gonna be alright…(ain’t it always? just cuz we’re silly humans)

 

?

I dunno what to do.

(I think “I choose me though I know I’ll lose”)

I’m prolly gonna keep editing this according to the swings. Gosh, im super volatile! and desparing right now, and so easy! and so stuuuuuuuuuuu p     i      d. and yet again, I dont friggin’ know what to do with myself (as the song goes). nevermind myself, I dont care much about that, but with what’s around myself, well, naturally that affects, erm…myself but still that’s not my main concern. I like it when I get drastic, but the effect seems to be worse, although within me it stirs up right. well, when it gets out, it cathes fire! actually no, it starts the downpour so…I’d rather not go there, at least not just now. need to hang in there…need to educate. I’m pretty sure I could, problem is I don’t want to!! cuz it’s hard for me to understand why I should. I don’t really like complying, I realise once more. I almost kicked it hard but then I turned to the softest, lame-side mud.  just…keep the mind busy. maybe that’s not even the big issue at hand, what kills me is how traitorous I feel inside. disspointing myself yet again, how can I live with me? (and best of all, why can’t stuff b normal?!!!!)

oops, new swing, not 15 min into it: I’m pathetic!

(music recommendation: Alexandra Hope )

sing it, jeFF

baffled: I guess when u realise ur no more special than the next one, u may hope to come to terms with all yours. I’m not quite at that point yet, my eyes still spit in rage

what is allowED

 Lots and lots of self-control child. The worst is not over yet, or at least so I feel. In all gushes concerned, small or smaller…or so I say, but I’m the uni-cell on the tip of the speck, so no glory there. Misshapen, I don’t care! And normally I would. It’s one of those moments when my gibberish is all to myself. Creamy centred brown squares have licked my wounds today. And all the craftily-painted horses are dancing on the spikes in my brain, swirling around what should unwind but it doesn’t. Becuz I’m no help to it. I am at a loss. Nor am I too willing to pull myself together for I fear what that may mean. Better indulge myself on this rafter while my senses take me. Some travel for years and never look back. I for one don’t want to look ahead. I travel my back to all that’s unwinding, deaf and blind to all but what has been and what was awoken. Perhaps that is the wisdom of my doublet. It’s weird how I have come to yearn for the vapours. I’m on the shore, crouched, mouth pressed against the arm, watching the ripples slowly unravelling before me. I imagine that with each ripple there comes a truth-at least that’s how I call it, despite it being a mere fume…one nice thing. Oh, I kinda wish I had a cold right now. That tattoo idea was pretty gnarly, yep. Apart from that, there are other things that matter and I want to play that record over and over again in my head till it’s acknowledged and relieved. Then we’ll see. Maybe the blue and wiry will fly off and I’ll be left with the red and glittery but…that is a face of a future I do not wish to behold. And some faces wither…one hopes.

photo: by Grace