I’m so desperate, I’ve started going on chat sites, seeking out people and although it explicitly says the site is for making friends who want to practice languages together I’m still not lucking out! nobody wants to get in touch with me (which I totally expected!). I dunno…the whole idea’s strange to me anyway, cuz the chat friendship with strangers is embedded in my mind as the dubious, slimy network MIRC that used to disrupt our long lost teenager years . Even so…I’m hoping for anybody, any weird stalker kind of person, but at least be Korean and live in Seoul so I can ask a couple of questions. Ok, I’m overdoin’ it now…These are thoughts taken to extremes, to amuse and whatnot…

However…not 15 min ago I was freaking out about luggage…Oh, I need to take that  backpack, yeah…but u can’t have smth unlocked (Damn, I think the suitcase doesn’t lock either), so I’ll wrap it in plastic, yeah..whew…fudge! but what do I cut the plastic with? Cutter..yeah, but I’m not allowed cutters. In the suitcase, dummy. oh yeah…but do i wanna stop in the middle of the road, open the whole suitcase just to get out an itsy bitsy cutter? Oh yes, it might seem like small rambling but to me..it’s a super big stress factor. Yes, the damn plastic cover plus cutter issue! Yippee, didn’t have this on my mind yesterday, no…keep addin’ to the pile. At this rate, I’m..gonna sprout white patches!

Hmm..I guess my bro’ bought me the tickets today. More expensive than I expected, oh well..Goin’ thru Paris (with Tarom (( I have issues with this too). Was just talking to my dad, I managed to scare him a bit too. I’m just kinda burstin’ the complaints here cuz they’re too many to hold in! “Will you be able to handle it?”- I don’t know, dad, I’ve never handled anything in my life on my own, I’m a whining baby who leeches on others!!! Do YOU think I can handle it? AAAh…”Cuz…I might have to come with you if u think u can’t handle it”. Oh my God, how lame would that be for me? I mean how much of a weakling am I??? I’ll tell ya- a humongous one! cuz for the tiniest moment, that idea seemed aaaah, ever so tranquilizing. But no!!! I need to do this! I need to hit the wall and experience the bumps!

Next on the agenda…I don’t like carrying hang luggage ( How am I gonna go up the stairs? How am I gonna slide among people? How am I gonna fit in the subway? How am I gonna drag it anywhere? Starting to annoy u yet? will be back!

my dad was kinda flippin’, partly cuz we couldn’t talk to my bro’ and partly cuz he had nothing to do all day long, in between I mean…so…now he’s happily back to his press and signing anti- Basescu petitions ), yeah…I’ve just discovered he’s pretty active in this field.

But…I did encourage myself to remember making a note of another episode of bizzare coincidences, that is…that moment when two things click, match, add-up perfectly and u’re left pretty wow-ed. And I had two in one night! nothing spectaculat but…I like it, it gives me a fake teeny weeny feeling of comfort, like somehow…I worked a spell.

so…first coincidence: I was reading the intro to John Keats collection of poems (and me, I don’t normally read intro’s to books) and…the writer of the intro who was also the director of the film bla bla..was saying smth about Keats’ theory of negative capability giving the following quote of his, about “the endorsement of mystery, developing your capacity to accept mystery without” ::: “irritable searching after fact and reason”. Ok…I passed that on fairly placidly. A while later, I was reading “The Subtle Knife” the sequel of “The Northen Lights” or “The Golden Compass” as most fans know it and…there was the subject of spirit world, as it fits in this fantasy, multiple worlds anyhoo…something about some conscious particles that one can only hear, see and understand if he has….??? guess what capacity? of regarding any mystery as ….pam-pam!!  “irritable searching after fact and reason”!! and it did say it was a quote from Keats that fits pefectly; although the subject is fiction. I must also add that I was also taking the subject in question, the conscious particles, to heart and actually trying to appropriate it and bam! the quote hits me. which is a cool idea too!

Second coincidence is not deep at all, just a casual reference I made to the Chinese doc about our former basketball star, Ghita Muresan, which he had never heard of and the movie he played in, My Giant…I remembered the name (yeah, though it’s super easy)…and then, I got to see the last ten minutes of “Friends”, which I don’t normally watch if it’s at the end or hardly ever catch it, but…I did leave the channel on and that’s what Joey sprung up- something about being an actor like the guy in My Giant. pfff…who ever makes a reference to this movie? c’mon…it’s not very popular. anyway…funny…I thus end with another hazy hmm…

comfortable in sleazy graphics and plastic verbalisations.

And that yellow cake, sponging the cream into my senses.

And her. Your woman.

You kept eating, while other men were consuming her.

Those heavenly heavy body extensions,

and the chocolate cracklings biting into sour bumps,

they construe me.

That filling the snoozing pool, I’m out of another reality.

got this “bug” in my ear, the right problematic one, right now I can’t even hear the typing sound from my fingers. It hurts like heck/LL!!!, yep pretty much non-stop, I can’t quite sleep on it/with it. and it goes a lil down towards the ganglions. And I had a fever yesterday so now I’m on antibiotics. and hoorah-horray, a smaller “bug” appeared in my left ear too ( and my only remaning good ear is also clogged right now so I can sincerely say that my grandma used to have super sharp hearing compared to me…I can hardly hear the thunder outside-d’uh of course I can’t, since I can’t hear what people are saying, couple of cm away from me . And it hurts so much when I chew ((((( stupid ears, always giving me problems (( well…this time it’s totally my fault, I keep scratching..but it itches!! that is also a consequence of my organism but I need to take control over myself. cuz it huuuurts (( I wanna complain, even as I’m writing now I’m getting these sharp pains, gosh it sucks so bad! and yesterday I was like a veggie, all mellow and my muscles hurt, my head was spiltting and I was dizzy- cuz of the infection. and I don’t like taking antibiotics, g’damn it!

whatever, I’ve said my woes…since there’s nothing else.

went to the bank to do some bankish stuff…and had to go the agent to fill in some forms and be informed. and the agent is this young man..guy, 2 years older that I know from  around highschool and from goin’ out with en e  and well…normally I should act perfectly relaxed right? well, what the heck was wrong with me? well, I didn’t quite realise at first that it was so obvious…I was being my usual, a lil nervous self cuz I don’t like these “official” situations with accounts, explanations, details and so on…after a lil while, he asked me if im nervous cuz im so fidgety, or am i usually like that? and i realised immediately that I was being v fidgety, kept rubbing my hands, moving my feet around, tossing my head, my look, a lil tremor in the shoulders, anyways…clearly not relaxed! I told him I dont really go out much, haven’t for a lil while and probably that’s why I was like that…he was nice, trying to make conversation, asking me casual stuff. but I was also puffing and sighing and uh-ing like I usually do…now, people who are close to me have gotten used to that I think but I do realise that from the outside it might seem like im uh…a real cuck-oo cuz I keep making sounds…and he asked me about it, jeez! i must have seemed such a weirdo. which is ok but…i am a lil worried about myself…i think i may scare people a little. and I scare myself cuz these lil things are out of my control now, i am well aware of it. i am sooo slipping away…im a lil…a lot..quite frightened that I’ll end up this person with shocky moves and lots of lil sounds and nervous laughs…not at all confident and detached, relaxed…which I would so like to be!

I am getting old…I never thought I’d be the kind to worry about smth like that, but here I stand, quite tormented by the notion of piling up years on years on years…on years…horrid! I don’t care so much about physical characteristics, although..I do dislike the lines on my forehead and around my eyes (which I’ve had for ever and always) but…and flasky, I know I’m getting flasky. no wonder, I do nothing all day long. yes, yes, nothing- it’s not only a nuance. It probably becomes more painful when I process the fact that time is unwrapping itself around my edges, growing in thickness, but so very uniformely…I contribute with no embellishments to it. my “space” is completely dull. it shouldn’t pass, it should stop for me somehow because I’m not doing it justice. But the world does not work that way. And yet, I feel cheated. later, if I can muster more thoughts..

I did think of smth new: how I associate. Every time I go out into town in daytime, alone, to look, search, tread…especially close to the marketplace I think of my practice math teach. I get sad the next second, because it hits me that there is no more chance in this life that I might meet him, that he might actually stop to talk to me and give me ideas for the future. and delicious prunes. I was afraid of him but…I always think of him. And I’m really regretting the fact that I couldn’t make him proud of my skills. it just hit me that he was probably wondering how my english teach could praise me when my math skills were completely smoked. ha! he was a hard-shelled sweety or sweet-shelled toughie, I dunno…but I wish I could still meet him.

Then we have a certain corner street, where I met Ioana, while she was ill. I’m never gonna meet her either, but that small piece of town will always remind me of her. She was smiling and making plans for a party I think. I thought she was gonna fight to win. As per usual, just because you want it, doesn’t mean your strain will survive. And that image of us singing and playing “cache-cache” in our group remains vivid and very pleasant. and the carolling.  and her freckles. She was a good person.

Carbonara pasta: everytime I’m a eat or cook this kind of pasta I will remember our friend’s son, who went away so silly and soon.  because he told us how to make it. He loved pasta a lot. He was so tall; had such broad shoulders and the ear ring hi-hi and I’m not sure he really got to enjoy…ah! but who am I to tell, I really have no idea. anyway, it ain’t easy…

And sweet, cuddly, happy, good-mannered Ben…what a cute doggie he was…people hold a lot of beauty in them but I feel we’ve been overshaded for a while now, since we are mostly grey and sour.

if there ever was a time for wishes to come true, this is it! wish-whoosh!!